Why You Should Put in the Effort

I have this convo with my husband on occasion and we had it again last week  He keeps an imaginary scoreboard in his head of who's made the effort, who remembered birthdays, who's traveled in to see us, who hasn't, who calls, who doesn't, who initiates plans, who doesn't, etc.  I don't have time for someone else's actions to define mine or establish the bar to which all actions shall be measured.  I will be true to my own character.  This is why I will always put in the effort for family and chosen family (ie friends). 

 ​At some point in all relationships, there will be someone who's putting in more effort.  Sure, you don't want to be taken advantage of, but that's not what this is about.  I'm not proposing we grovel and beg people to love us or be in our life.  This is about your actions, your character, your truth.  I'm saying if you only tit after someone else tat's, your life will become small.  It's like the people who do something really crummy and then say "I only did ABC because you XYZ'd".  Ohhhh, so, you get a pass on ethical behavior because you perceive you were done wrong first?  Passive aggressive much?  How's that working out for you?

​I remember when my uncle was dying.  My cousin came in and was by his side taking care of him.  No one could believe she would do this since her dad (my uncle) was an terrible father.  Her response was so simple.  Just because he was a crummy dad doesn't mean I HAVE to be a crummy daughter.  She wanted to do what was natural for her, and what felt natural was to be there when he needed her.  Why should she be burdened with regret later?  Wasn't it enough he regret his actions?  Peace was made during that time and her heart healed.  That would not have been possible if she didn't have the right attitude. 

That's my perspective on making the effort with people, in general.  ​There are limitations sometimes that have nothing to do with how much they care about you.  You might not know what they are wrestling with in their own life.  Stop judging, keeping score or editing the behaviors that come natural to you because you want to make some kind of passive aggressive point that will no doubt be lost anyways.  Just put in the effort because it's what you do.  It's what feels right.  Because you are strong enough to be true to yourself despite how someone else behaves.  The real loser is the person who's behaviors are dictated by other people's actions, in my humble opinion.