I was watching The Big Bang Theory and heard a new word.  I like the way it sounds, but I don't know this word!  I look it up.  Pedantic is a state of pedant.  Naturally, I need to know what "pedant" is and look that up next.  It's a noun and means a person who is excessively concerned with minor details and rules.  My.  New.  Favorite.  Word!  I realize the world needs all kinds of thinking and all kinds of personalities.  I can dig it.  Certainly there are times I want someone super detail oriented.  Like brain surgeons.  Or whoever is working on that illusive cure for cancer.  The guy detailing my car...I love how he Qtips my air vents & dash crevices to remove dust...makes my 2007 vehicle look virtually new! 
 
However, I do get frustrated when people get so hung up on minuscule details that they interrupt the flow of a conversation or bring it to a screeching halt.  For me, it's like I'm roller skating.  I'm picking up momentum, getting a groove going and someone shoves a stick in my wheels.  If it's pertinent, I'm cool.  If it's not pertinent, it's a waste of everyone's time, in my opinion.  Save your breath.  There are some things that simply do not warrant a full throttle break down of every little detail.  If someone is talking and mention they're eating a chicken salad sandwich when something worth repeating happens to them, but I specifically remember it was in fact a tuna fish salad sandwich, I do NOT stop the story to correct them.  You know why?  Because it has absolutely zero bearing on the story.  The story isn't about chicken salad OR the tuna salad, it's about something else entirely.  Who the frickin frackity frick cares what they were eating?  I want to hear about the REAL story!  The menu was merely to offer a frame of reference so we know they were eating a meal when the story worth repeating first broke.

So...yeah, UNLESS we're recording history for future generations to benefit and learn from, do we really care about an inconsequential detail? Is there a hidden consequence if we think the story teller was eating chicken salad when in fact, they ate tuna salad?  Let the story continue without undue interruption, please and thank you.  

But....that's just me.   

When someone tells me their mind never stops working or implies they have a superior brain because they can't turn their mind off, I immediately want to roll my eyes.  Why is it every time I hear that rationale, it's from a pathetic man child who is talking down to me?  Just because I smile often and sleep well doesn't make my brain less than yours.  What I hear when someone uses that bull shit rationale is "I am an anxious mess. Not only do I lack the skills to get my mind focused, I will act like a narcissistic prick and somehow try to make you feel bad about MY anxiety while simultaneously implying you are not very bright".  

In case you're curious, here's what had happened.  A guy sent me a text and when I didn't respond at lightning speed, he hit me up with a rude text telling me he questioned my character in a text rant and signed off by telling me I was cowardly for "ghosting" him.  The time lapse?  12 minutes.  This fool looses his shiz in 12 minutes over an unanswered text.  Red flag?  You betcha!  Newsflash...text, by design, is meant to allow people an opportunity to respond at their convenience, not yours.  Text is not instant gratification guaranteed.  Texts hang in cyber space until the recipient has a moment to respond.  That's the whole beauty of the sum bitches...they don't require your instant attention!

I let him know, politely because I won't let his actions dictate mine, this would be our last exchange, thanked him for sharing time with me, wished him well and said I was confident he'd find a girl who is operating at his speed.  I am not that girl.  He replied with a faux apology.  Here's what I mean by "faux" apology.  He replies "hey, I'm sorry, but what was I to think when you didn't respond?  I thought we hit it off and here you ghosted me, surely you can see my side!  I have a quick wit, fast mind and it never stops.  I'm always thinking and not everyone's mind works as quickly as mind does."  Oh boy.  Dude.  You're a mess.  Not a hot mess.  Just a mess of a man.  Sadly, it's not the first time an anxious man child has tried to convince me I was less than smart because I slept well, smiled a lot and didn't freak out over the smallest things.  Boy...BYE! 

Since then, I've received 4 additional texts saying he can't believe I'm throwing away a good thing and he hopes I'll try and put myself in his shoes.  This does not deserve a response as we were not a "good thing", we went on ONE awkward date.  Besides, even if we had a good run, you betchur ass I'd hit the road after the hissy fit he's throwing.   I had to block the man child and his "superior" mind.     

I've been on a dating website now for a few months.  I paid for 6 months membership, but I am considering deleting my profile completely.  Here's why.  I feel like I'm doing this in reverse.  It's not hard to make a connection on line.  I can talk to anybody about anything.  It is not as easy to find a physical connection, however.  I need to feel some kind of attraction and photos aren't always the best gauge.  I don't like to hurt people's feelings.  Last week, I met a guy who was fun to talk to, but I knew immediately I wasn't physically attracted to him.  He was also moving way too fast, so I thought that would be my out.  Hey, thanks for sharing some time with me, but we're operating at different speeds.  Good luck to you, I know you'll do just fine finding someone who will be moving at your speed!  Unfortunately, he wouldn't let it go.  Lot's of questions, what changed for me, what can he do to keep me interested, what if he slows down some, etc.  Oh boy.  Why can't he take my graceful bow out and go on to the next girl that pops up on his page?!

Let's face it.  You have to feel a physical attraction in order for it to go anywhere.  I can talk to anyone, but with no attraction, we're back at square one.  I dunno if on line dating is my answer.  I'd still recommend on line dating sites to anyone with a busy schedule, but I may point out you will be moving in reverse.  Be prepared to .  I think I'll try the ole organic method.  Meet someone, feel a physical attraction, then learn more about them.  Because it all starts with sexual chemistry, then maybe that's where and how I start?  I need to take this out of reverse and put it in drive!

And on this day, God said "let her wear glasses!".  At least that's what it feels like.  I've had 20/20 vision since birth.  Unlike Rocky Balboa, I have the eyes of a beagle...uhhhhh...eagle.  The eyes of an eagle!  Until now.  This is a moment marked in time, for I can no longer pull off a small clutch purse when I go out.  Nope.  Uh, uh.  Why?  Because my phone, make up pouch, wallet, extra large pill caddie with plethora of vitamins/pain relievers/allergy meds, sunglasses AND eye glasses do not fit in any of my cute &/or fancy clutches.  Sum'bitch.  I'm now the middle aged woman toting a purse with wheels.  Ok, so that makes it luggage.  Phfffft.    I haven't decided what I'll do with all my fantastic clutches and evening purses yet.  I'm not ready to give them away.  All I know is I absolutely can not get away with a little purse anymore.  What a kick in the teeth.  First the metabolism goes, then my eyes.  Oh...heeeeeyyyyy...maybe that's a gift from God and I should be happy?!  Maybe he doesn't want me to see how my weight has shifted and my shape has changed?  How my clothes fit a little different?  Maybe he doesn't want me fixating on every crease, wrinkle or line I've acquired as I age?  What a merciful God!  He's given me a permanent SnapChat filter on my eyes.  Maybe I don't need to see everything in crystal clear HD quality after all?  Me and my roller luggage...uhhhhh...purse...I mean purse!  Me and my purse are gonna be just fine.  It is to be what it will be.  

It's been a while since I shared time with a guy.  I spent a few months with a guy who lived 2 hrs away and on some levels he was something special.  There were some red flags, however, so there was to be an expiration date on our time together.  I thought well, hey.  Maybe I spend some more time solo to heal and then dip a toe in the water of the dating world when I feel up to it.  I've cocooned, therapized, fed my soul and well....guys...I'm up to it!  

I'm older now, so the pool of available options isn't as large as it was when I was 20.  Or even 30.  I know the on line dating world because many of my friends have used it.  I think no, not for me.  I'm not ready for my photo to be out there with a banner across it that says "AVAILABLE".  I'd like something more...discreet?  I meet with a professional matchmaker and left that appt so fast, my shoes left tread marks.  It all sounded amazing, private and right up my ally.  Until the matchmaker made a comment "these guys spend a lot of money for this service, so it's important you come into this looking for love".  Look, I understand you want what you pay for, but I am looking to date, not for love.  Now I'm really unsettled and suggest we not waste anymore of each others time...how much is this service?  I nearly fainted.  $6000 for 10 dates, WITH the expectation you find your soul mate.  I got the distinct impression they would be displeased if I did not lock it down with one of the dates as my forever guy.  Uh.  Gross.  Way to make a girl feel cheap.  Expensively cheap!  

So...maybe I look at on line dating again?  I answer the questions, set up my profile.  I get it.  I do.  I understand the allure of it in today's busy culture.  I go live with my profile and I feel so uneasy.  Why does the on line dating format look so much like finding a rescue pet?  THE LAY OUT IS EXACTLY LIKE PETFINDER.COM.  I think, well...I DID find my best friend through petfinder.com, so let's remain open minded!  Still, I feel uncomfortable.  I decide I'll give it 24 hrs.  It's been 4 hrs since I went "live".  I can't sleep.  Something tells me no.  One thing I've learned through this gut wrenching divorce is do NOT ignore your instincts!  I pop out of bed, grab the iPad and delete the on line dating account and profile.  I feel immediately at ease.  

I'm leaving it up to the universe for now.  I'd like to meet someone in an organic way.  Old school.  You're attracted to someone, you like the convo, you feel the chemistry and want to learn more about this person.  It's a big gamble.  People don't necessarily know you're available without a banner across a profile pic and are less inclined to put themselves out there.  I admit there's a practical use for on line dating.  If the universe doesn't set me up then, maybe I'll revisit it.   I would have to get comfy with the idea of becoming nothing more than a vending machine option or a rescue pet.  Hmmm....do I want kettle chips or Cheetos?  Do I want the scruffy mutt or the terrified cat?  The weird thing is dating is so personal.  Yet, you certainly couldn't take anything personally.  Maybe they want M&M's and I'm wearing a Snickers wrapper.  Meh.   

I've been working through the trauma that is being married to a Narcissistic Sociopath with Anti Social Personality Disorder (I'm not a Dr, but my therapist is so I feel it's ok to put that out there).  While we've been separated for months and are pending divorce, there's still damage to sort through.  With knowledge comes awareness.  With awareness comes sadness.  It's been one long emotional hang over. 

I'm only uncovering now how damaging it was to stay as long as I did.  To overlook or excuse bad behavior.  I'm also learning how strong I was to get out.  So many don't.  I thank my family for providing me a solid sense of myself.  While I was rattled, manipulated and mind fucked, there were moments when his mask slipped and I saw what he was doing.  Not that I knew he was a Narcissist, but I at least knew the things he chastised me for didn't fit everything I knew about myself.  And if I was what he claimed I was, how was it this was the first time ever I'd heard these things?  He is a monster with an agenda.  His agenda is to break you down to feed his own delusions of grandeur.  He only feels good if he makes you feel bad.  He had no emotional attachment to me other than a purpose he saw me to serve; to feed his insatiable ego.  

He chose me because I am an empath.  A Narcissist needs an empath or someone with low self esteem.  I've come to learn a Narcissist + Empath = the most toxic relationship of all.  What he didn't take into consideration is my family ingrained my truth and my upbringing was solid.  They were always honest about my strengths & weaknesses.  They also taught me how to leverage my strengths to offset areas I wasn't as strong.  What I mean by that is best told by an example.  Ever see people on talent shows thinking they can sing only to get on stage and make fools of themselves?  They're in utter disbelief they aren't winning said talent shows, cause their momma told them they had the voice of an angel?  Yeah, that wouldn't happen in my family.  They were clear...I can't carry a tune, but I could learn to play a musical instrument!  They were legit and still are to this day.    

I always thought I was secure and strong, so when he would take a swing at my confidence I could feel my heart roll it's eyes.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, blustering angry (always, that guy was angry with the whole world) lion with a thorn in your paw, I'll let you keep that anger while I move on living my life (there was a time I tried to remove the thorn, but decided to stop when I realized that thorn was seemingly permanent and a part of his body.  I didn't know then what I know now.  That is was toxic and damaging to me no matter how sure of myself I was/am).  So, I decided the behavior was a reflection of his insecurity and actually pitied him.  I felt frustration for his family, for his Dad and how he parented.   Maybe that's why Tim's so messed up?   

By the way, the second I pity a partner, I've noticed that's the second I am no longer attracted to them sexually.  Taken me 47 years to figure that out.  I can empathize or sympathize, but if I pity, my sex drive for them is officially dead.  I note that to myself.  Pity = the death of intimacy.  There's a lot I've learned about myself and people, but that one is certainly a big deal! 

I'm coming out of the fog of abuse. I still have bad days.  Last week was really rough, but my what a difference a week makes.  I feel vibrant today.  I feel hope.  I feel appreciation for my life and whatever comes next...I'm ready for it.

Can't explain exactly why, but here are a few things make me cringe:

• Grown people who keep stuffed animals on the dash boards of their car
• Grown people with puppies or kittens on their checks
• Grown people dressing up in clothing suited for a kid half their age

Here's the funny thing.  I'm a hypocrite.  Because parts of us always want to feel young no matter how old we get.  We want to hold onto to a part of that innocence.  I believe I do it, too, but with music.  I don't stick to the music from my hey day like a lot of people I know.  A perfect example is Cardi B.  I love her.  I know about her come up.  I know what Kodak Black is and how Bodak Yellow was birthed from his style.  I know why she goes by Cardi B.  I have her albums.  Most of my friends (starting at 45 yrs old and older) have no idea what a Cardi B is.  This is how I hang onto my youth, I decide.  I learn and listen about all the up & comers.  My music interests aren't limited J Geil's Band, Bon Jovi, Samantha Fox & Stacie Hart.  I want to know what the young folk are into!  

So...here's the deal.  If you guys can handle a 47 yr old who loves Cardi B, then I can deal with your stuffed animals, kitten checks and 1" inseam shorts from Hollister.  Who am I to say how you keep the youth alive inside you?!  So long as you do something to sustain that excitement for life, it's all good.  If that stuffed animal makes you smile, than by golly put it on your dash and I'll stop judging you from afar.

I think I'll order a happy meal at the McD's drive through tonight and mind my own business.     

Do you think dog's are like us when they feel a stray hair touching them? 

My dog seemed to be enjoying her longer hair, so I went with it.  When we were living in the country, I kept it short for practical purposes.  I happen to love the 80's, so her bigger hair makes me smile.  Her 80's hair game is lit! 

I'm noticing she freaks like she walked through a spider web when her muzzle hair touches her paws, or when her fuzzier tail swings up and touches her back.  Oh man!  Giggles for days.  I'm not cruel though.  I took her to the groomers today for a lil trim.  We'll see if that helps her freak factor.  We are, however, gonna keep her hair long enough for a barrette on top.  That's how she'd want it.  ;)   

We all know them.  We all have them in our lives whether it's family, spouse, or a coworker.  There is no talent in being an ass.  Zero.  We all have bad days &/or bad moods.  That doesn't give us an excuse to throw our bad energy front and center, making it everyone else's problem to deal with.  Talent lies in the ability to govern our emotions.  To put on a smile and soldier on.  Because we all have our trials and tribulations.  The key is to overcome not succumb.  Not to punish the people around you.  Difficult personalities are exhausting and can suck the life out of a situation.  Being difficult doesn't make them more powerful, more special or more "real".  It just makes them more of an intolerable jerk.