Our Secret

I can't believe I'm gonna share this.  This happened in APRIL, but I wasn't ready to share it with you.  I'm not sure if you know this about me.  What am I saying?!  Of course you wouldn’t know this!   I’m not a gassy girl.  I just don’t poot.  Once in a blue moon with tummy problems, but I’m not that girl that crop dusts people, drops puffs throughout the day or is flatulent.  Even with upset tummy, I manage to get to the restroom to handle my bodily functions.  I'm not a fan of walking into someone's a** and I wouldn't set anyone up to walk into mine.  Now, let's not go crazy and start calling me a classy lady.  It's just puffing one out anywhere I please isn't my thing.  Never has been.  

​My husband & I pull into the driveway at the same time on a Friday night.  I let the dog out in the yard while my husband and I chat in the kitchen about our day.  He's been on a business trip, so we're ready to catch up and relax into our weekend night.  Suddenly, this awful pungent smell starts creeping into the air.  With the dog outside, we know it’s not her.  I tug on my belt and that’s when I KNOW it was ME because the smell got unbelievably stronger.  That belt tug released the dragon.  I am horrified at how intense the smell continues to get.  It’s permeating the kitchen.  I pray it will dissipate and go unnoticed.  Right about then, my husband's face curls and retracts.  "WTF is that?!", he asks.  He checks the garbage, the sink, calling for the dog to see if she snuck back in without us noticing and perhaps could be the source.  He's looking everywhere!  He even opens the fridge to see if maybe something went bad in there.  As he’s doing it, he’s taking huge inhales and asking how is this smell getting worse? I was wondering the same thing as I struggled between understanding how that came out of me and pretending to help him find the source.  It’s like the smell is expanding and taking over the entire great room now.  Admittedly, I suppress giggles every time he inhales and his face contorts in horror, but I’m also mortified.  Together my husband and I are “HORTIFIED”!  Meanwhile, I continue the search for the source right along with him.  A fleeting thought crosses my mind "maybe I should have been an actress?".  Here I am moving stuff around in the pantry, putting garbage disposal cleaner in the sink, acting just as perplexed as he is.  I am perplexed, but not for the same reason he is.  My husband says more than once “well, we know it’s not you, it wasn't me and isn't the dog…what IS that?!”.  He wonders if something got in when we had the door open & crawled behind the stove or fridge and died.  I agree that's quite possible; we are bad about leaving the garage door wide open (give this girl an Oscar!).  We edge the appliances out just far enough for one of us to peek behind them.  My husband says "huh!".  He really thought we'd find a decomposing creature.  Sorry, babe.  I'm cashing in on my clean record and taking this one to the grave.  The next morning as he leaves for work, he suggests I check the deli meats in the fridge to see if they've soured.  He doesn't believe we checked that last night.   I agree I will.  With that he kisses me good bye and I know I can't possibly confess.  He can't know I'm capable of producing such a smell.  

Guys!  Toxic, rancid, GOD AWFUL smell.  Here’s the thing I realized as I made my acting debut.  I recently got turned onto shaved brussel sprouts and made a HUGE salad.  Almost as soon as I'm done making it, they call my husband out on business.  I’m not about to let it go bad with all that feta cheese, cranberries, apples, real bacon chunks, walnuts and yummy raspberry dressing.  What's a girl to do but eat brussel sprout salad for EVERY meal & any time I wanted a snack.  For 2.5 straight days, the only nutrition I consumed was brussel sprout salad.  I have not eaten it since.   

Our secret.  😉