Observations on Post Apocalyptic Dating

It's hard being single again after thinking I found my forever soul mate. This, my friends, was my apocalypse and it took out everything in it's path, gutted my soul. Getting back in the saddle is not easy. I don't love dating, but I do love life without a narcissist. So far, the pool of eligible bachelors is...interesting. I still hope for a healthy, loving relationship and I believe it's possible. It's just hard to think this is it...a sampling of what my life choices have brought me to. It's disturbing on a bad day and unsettling on a good day. I know it's not healthy to hermit, which is what I do a LOT of these days. So for a while there, I jumped right into on line dating to get myself out there. Here's some observations to dating at this stage in my life:

*A large chunk of our memories involve someone else and it will take a very long time for those to be replaced with new memories, if they'll be replaced at all.

*In connection with the above observation, it makes it hard to be in the moment with each other because every conversation seems to remind us we're exactly where we never wanted to be....starting over. Who wants to learn the nuances of someone else again? Ugh!

*A lot of dates feel more like interviews. After all, life is a stage and some of the guys I dated acted like they called in their ex wife's understudy to finish the show. Here's your script, doll, memorize those soccer parents names and who goes with each child, can't have you messing up the role of a lifetime!" with a wink and a nod. I swear, no joke. One guy quizzed me on what dog went with what family. I stared at him blankly and took a stab at it. He seemed genuinely annoyed I couldn't remember who "Roo" belonged to. Needless to say that was our last date.

*That in itself can trick us into waxing nostalgia with prior unhealthy partners. I fantasize about my narcissistic ex husband getting conditioned into operating at a higher vibration than school yard bully. Could he? The answer is NO, anyone working in the mental health field will tell you. Yet I still fantasize he gets counseling, evolves as a human being, steps up to own his part of our failure and day dream about what could have been. I see it in my dates, too. Their mind wanders to the "what if......". No matter what the relationship demise was, we all reflect and you can see it happening mid convo getting to know someone.

*It's a challenge not to be jaded. I work so hard at this because I've met so many bitter divorcees and it's not a good look. More than that, it prevents you from having hope. Keeping the faith. Even still, if my date conveys genuine interest, something inside says "yeah, that'll fade, give it time". That's pathetic, but it's honest. I constantly feel I'm seconds from the other shoe dropping which makes it hard to be excited about any guy. If they compliment me, my inner monologue is "calm down cowboy, we'll hate each other soon enough no matter how hot we start out" and I wonder if my facial expressions give those thoughts away. I know what you're thinking...I shouldn't be dating. I'll get back to this point later.

*Being intimate with someone new can be intimidating. It can still be hot (boy, can it be hot! Thank you, Adam!!!!), but it can be awkward because you're looking to meet a biological need. There's no love, it is bump and grind, then "can you get out in 20 minutes? The Walking Dead is coming on". Because you both know exactly what the score is. I know that'll be different one day, but right now it's meet my needs and GO!

*I wonder...why is it I forge lasting relationships with love and mutual respect with friends, family, business colleagues, but I couldn't with my ex husband? This thought haunts me because the only thing in the way was a SEVERE personality deficiency. Look, I'm not perfect. I recognize mistakes I made in the marriage. But narcissists are emotionally stunted and aren't capable of working through conflict to come out stronger TOGETHER on the other side. So this lil diddy is the carousel of my mind. I go round and round, but there's never any progress to be made with a narcissist. GET ME OFF THIS CAUROSEL please!

*Divorce is a brutal assault of your mind, heart, body and soul. It's the most incredibly personal rejection you can ever experience and constant mental anguish. I wish this devastation on absolutely no one. NO ONE. Any one you meet who's come out of a divorce is galvanized. Haunted. And quite possibly a shell of their old personality. Which is what I am. I don't get excited about things like I used to. I don't care about holidays (which used to be my fav). I don't laugh easily, I don't offer everyone I cross paths with a smile, I don't actively look for ways to brighten someone else's day anymore. I used to love life. I still do, but I guess I am no longer enamored of people in general. I now know not every one means you well, and it's leveled me in so many ways.

So, yeah. I decide to take down my on line profile, I'm simply not ready. If my disposition didn't tip me off, the hives I broke out with did. I still have hope. One day, I'll meet someone and all this resistance will melt away because I'll be excited about them, as they are excited about me. Til then, I'll just spend my time with my adorable dog, my fantastic family and my loyal friends. With every sunset comes a new sunrise. The rose colored glasses are off, but hope & faith still remain.
​