Calling IT is Like Getting a Haircut Through the Phone

Ever have to call for help with your internet, only to have the technician attempt to trouble shoot over the phone with you?  Yeah.  It's as effective as getting a haircut through the phone.

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​ I don't work for your company.  I didn't get 2-8 wks worth of training at your company to understand your product.  All I know is the service I pay handsomely for is not working.  I'm confused why am I working so hard and contorting my body into uncomfortable positions to look for serial #'s that are not there.  Next, I'm being directed to look for the white sticker.  I say I only have an orange sticker.  36 mins later, I'm covered in dust, touched things I normally wouldn't dare (RIP little lizard), bent myself in unnatural positions reminiscent of the girl from The Ring (and now looking like her, too), with debris in my left eye scratching my cornea and the tech asks what the orange sticker says.  I tell him.  He says, ok I guess your modem has an orange sticker.  Ugh.  I'm being asked questions about the initial set up from 5 yrs ago.  Shouldn't they know?  They installed the equipment!  What happened to service calls?  Can I throat punch someone through the phone?  Because I would shatter that larynx.