Emotional Hangover

I've been working through the trauma that is being married to a Narcissistic Sociopath with Anti Social Personality Disorder (I'm not a Dr, but my therapist is so I feel it's ok to put that out there).  While we've been separated for months and are pending divorce, there's still damage to sort through.  With knowledge comes awareness.  With awareness comes sadness.  It's been one long emotional hang over. 

I'm only uncovering now how damaging it was to stay as long as I did.  To overlook or excuse bad behavior.  I'm also learning how strong I was to get out.  So many don't.  I thank my family for providing me a solid sense of myself.  While I was rattled, manipulated and mind fucked, there were moments when his mask slipped and I saw what he was doing.  Not that I knew he was a Narcissist, but I at least knew the things he chastised me for didn't fit everything I knew about myself.  And if I was what he claimed I was, how was it this was the first time ever I'd heard these things?  He is a monster with an agenda.  His agenda is to break you down to feed his own delusions of grandeur.  He only feels good if he makes you feel bad.  He had no emotional attachment to me other than a purpose he saw me to serve; to feed his insatiable ego.  

He chose me because I am an empath.  A Narcissist needs an empath or someone with low self esteem.  I've come to learn a Narcissist + Empath = the most toxic relationship of all.  What he didn't take into consideration is my family ingrained my truth and my upbringing was solid.  They were always honest about my strengths & weaknesses.  They also taught me how to leverage my strengths to offset areas I wasn't as strong.  What I mean by that is best told by an example.  Ever see people on talent shows thinking they can sing only to get on stage and make fools of themselves?  They're in utter disbelief they aren't winning said talent shows, cause their momma told them they had the voice of an angel?  Yeah, that wouldn't happen in my family.  They were clear...I can't carry a tune, but I could learn to play a musical instrument!  They were legit and still are to this day.    

I always thought I was secure and strong, so when he would take a swing at my confidence I could feel my heart roll it's eyes.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, blustering angry (always, that guy was angry with the whole world) lion with a thorn in your paw, I'll let you keep that anger while I move on living my life (there was a time I tried to remove the thorn, but decided to stop when I realized that thorn was seemingly permanent and a part of his body.  I didn't know then what I know now.  That is was toxic and damaging to me no matter how sure of myself I was/am).  So, I decided the behavior was a reflection of his insecurity and actually pitied him.  I felt frustration for his family, for his Dad and how he parented.   Maybe that's why Tim's so messed up?   

By the way, the second I pity a partner, I've noticed that's the second I am no longer attracted to them sexually.  Taken me 47 years to figure that out.  I can empathize or sympathize, but if I pity, my sex drive for them is officially dead.  I note that to myself.  Pity = the death of intimacy.  There's a lot I've learned about myself and people, but that one is certainly a big deal! 

I'm coming out of the fog of abuse. I still have bad days.  Last week was really rough, but my what a difference a week makes.  I feel vibrant today.  I feel hope.  I feel appreciation for my life and whatever comes next...I'm ready for it.