Gas Lighting

Funny how most people aren’t surprised to hear I’m getting a divorce. It makes me think in my next relationship, I should check in with the people in our lives as a way to measure how happy we are in our relationship, you know? Sometimes the people looking in from the outside see it most clearly.

Truth is I knew I wasn’t happy. I don’t really need other people to measure how I’m feeling. What happens when you’re the one in it, you convince yourself it will get better, you keep working on it, you try new ways to keep it going, you read up on what makes a marriage stay strong and try to incorporate the things you pick up here and there. In the meantime, life keeps you distracted just enough for you to say well, I can’t with that right now. Or you get some good times in the mix that make you think maybe we can pull through this. The love ebbs and flows and you don’t want to make a rash decision because your marriage is in a slump. For better or worse, and all.

Yet, it’s still not a surprise to my friends and family and I can’t help but think wow. Wow. Puzzle pieces start to slide into place. The people who would naturally have an opinion because they love me, him or both of us continue to offer little golden nuggets that cement my decision as the right one. Don’t misunderstand me. Other people’s opinions don’t shape my life. What I mean is it’s abundantly clear the people close to us observed and caught on to a lot more than I could have realized. When a friend says to you they’ve known you’ve been unhappy for years. When your Mom tells says you are the long suffering wife. When HIS friend asks you if you’re safe and are you at the Spring (a local shelter for abused women that helps them rebuild their lives). All those are ding ding ding moments. And it confirms I really did try everything I could to save it. Because looking back, I should have left in 2011. Or in 2013. Several times. There’s a shame that comes with any kind of abuse. Verbal, mental, emotional or physical. An inherent shame that runs deep and twists your mind up good. There’s a humiliation you feel for where you’re at in life and how you allowed it. If you’re wondering how a strong minded, free spirit, confident woman would tolerate abuse of any kind, look up “gaslighting”. It explains a lot of my life & how I got here. As Oprah says it starts off as whispers. Moments of “gee, that was odd”. It slowly progresses until they aren’t whispers anymore. It’s not constant, either. A narcissist who’s gaslighting sprinkles in enough love and positive reinforcement to keep you feeling off balance. You question your own perception, your own experiences, your own memory, your own reality.

​What's interesting is it's not always big ticket issues they manipulate. They manipulate little moments which is ultimately why they’re so successful at seeping into your mind and making you think you’re lucky to have them looking out for you. It gets to where you’re scared to trust your own recollection.

I wanted to try counseling, I wanted to try anything I could before admitting I can’t retire or grow old with him. That the thought of sitting around our golden years with this guy and remove the distractions of life...work, family, friends, the daily grind...take those things away and I’m left sitting across from a guy I don’t even like. The truth was growing louder by the day...I don’t LIKE this guy. I don’t like his personality. No counseling can fix a narcissist. He might get an Rx that would stabilize mood swings, alleviate anxiety or help manage his temper, but there simply is no Rx to moderate narcissim. It will not get better and that’s what I accepted and ultimately had to act on. I had to act on the absence of hope. I won’t spend my life hopeless. I will pull up and out. I will head north.

I wish him a fine farewell. I wish him a good life. I release him with no hate. Just go. I won’t allow my mind or heart to stay twisted up because of someone else’s twisted mind. I won’t allow someone else’s hate to set the tone for how I feel about myself. Peace be with us both.