Choices

​Suicide has touched my life again.  Like others, I worry I didn't stop long enough to see the sadness behind the bubbles.   The reality of it is none of us can put our lives on hold.  We're all busy trying to make the most of our time here and our choices.  All we can realistically expect from other people is to share a moment, to have a common bond or goal maybe, to share a laugh, share a good cry on occasion.  There are the folks who know they can depend on me, certainly, but that doesn't mean I can eliminate their suffering.  No body holds a key to our happiness.  That job is carved out exclusively for each of us.  Nobody can take us by the hand and make promises for better.  We can only hope it gets better for them.  Because at some point, we have to get back to our journey, our life and they are left to their own thoughts.  Their own feelings.  Their own interpretations of this world and what is has to offer them.  All I can promise people is the sun will rise again.  That's all I got.  We all have gray skies from time to time, but the sky is still blue behind the clouds.  The sun always comes back out.  I can promise pain is temporary.  Struggle is temporary.  I can't promise anything beyond that. 

​IF I had known how much pain the people I love or care about were in, WTF would I do?  I can't make people pull themselves up & out of a bad spot.  Oh, I'll certainly try and I may even loose myself in trying to help them see a brighter future.  But, at some point it's a switch only they can flip.  This life is about personal journeys and what we pull from them. We come in alone, we go out alone.  All those brain signals firing off in our head....that's us.  No one can fix a wire that's misfiring.  Oh, we want to.  We do.  We love, we have compassion and we hurt when people we care about hurt, but we can't make them feel differently.  That's inherently theirs.  

When people don't reach out, I believe it's because they've made a choice for themselves and themselves alone.  I don't feel it's a coward's way out. I never have. I think it takes a lot more courage than most people have in them. I get nervous balancing on the ladder at an awkward angle for fear I'll hurt myself, there's no way I could take myself out.  No way.

Besides. I want to live. I feel a strong resolve that no matter how bad something is, it is TEMPORARY.  The fact the people I care about didn't see their struggles as manageable is something no one could have "fixed".  They keep it going as best they can...until they can't. 

I've never, not for one second, thought suicide was a selfish act.  I think, wow, how brave they were to carry the insurmountable struggle alone for as long as they did.  The crazy thing is I believe in a lot of cases, they ARE thinking of us. They don't want us to be burdened with their woes.  They BELIEVE this was the best choice. They BELIEVE we'll be ok.  When people say suicide is a selfish act, I can't help but feel maybe WE are the selfish ones for making it about what WE lost and what WE wanted for them.  Shouldn't we be more focused on what THEY were going through, that THEY felt so much pain, that THEY were in a struggle we couldn't remove from them?  Yes, I'm heart broken.  But this here, this is about them.  I don't have to make this about me & my grief.  This was their suffocating struggle and all I can think is I want THEM at peace.  I know I can find my peace, I'm not worried about me.  I will mourn, I will honor and yes there are some days I am pulled to my knees.  Grief is hostile and will hit me in the middle of a concert, walking through the farmer's market or at dinner. Grief doesn't care that I'm busy.  For those moments, I give myself permission to feel the pain of loss.  I don't make apologies for my tears.  I don't hold onto any anger or resentment.  Because that to me is a selfish act. 
​All I feel is love for them and a great loss.  Please don't get it twisted.  Even in my heaviest moments of grief, not once do I feel more empathy for those of us left behind
​ than the one's who can't take it anymore. 

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