Big Wheel Keep on Turnin'...

Keep on rollin...rollin....rollin down the river.....

Some days I may have a paddle and navigate my way down the river and other days I may pull my paddle in the boat and let myself float at the river's will.  Some days I'm strong and other days I have no strength.  Either way, I keep on turnin. 

I do miss my old self though.  I used to wake up happy go lucky.  I would sing to my dog until she was ready to take her morning walk (I think it's hilarious that I have to get her up and going.  Not like most dogs who wake their human up!).  Our favorite morning song is:

if you had a belly button, it'd be right there, be right there, be right there!
<pointing to her belly>
if you had thumbs, they'd be right here, be right here, be right here
<pointing to her thumbless paws>
if you had a chin, it'd be right there, be right there, be right there
<giving her a playful scratch where her bottom lip goes straight into her neck>".

I'd sing it til I ran out of body parts she doesn't have.  Then, we'd turn it on me "if I had a tail, it'd be right here, be right here, be right here <pointing to my butt crack>" until we ran out of doggie parts I don't have.  Yeah, well, she's older so it does take a longer song before she's ready to go.  My point there is I can't tell you the last time I sang to her.  I hadn't thought of that until banging this out on the keyboard.  Hmmmm....time to get back to basics and revive that song tomorrow morning.    

Pre separation, I sang to the radio like I wrote every song myself.  I didn't sweat the small stuff.  I had fun doing absolutely anything, including chores.  I mean, it has to get done so why not make it fun, right?!  Scrubbing the shower?  Good opportunity to lunge from side to side and some shoulder work.  Mopping the floor?  I'd dance a lil jig.  Waiting for the coffee to brew?  Why not get in some booty bounce?  I laughed often and with ease.  My resting face was a soft smile with soft eyes.  People tell me I even smile as I sleep.  My friend Pearl, after being my room mate for a couple girl's trips, pointed out I happily hum as I get up and ready for my day.  Not annoyingly, like you feel compelled to shank me out of my fairy tale Princess moment.  It's just Pearl thought we had a radio on super low volume until halfway into the 2nd vacation, she realized it was in fact me and not a radio left on in the room.  Please note should you ever go on vacation with me, I won't be offended if you pass on me as your roomie.  Because I do, in fact, hum as I get ready whether it's to start my day or wash the make up off and get ready for bed at a very low volume.  At least, I use to.  I will get back to that, but first I have hurdles, trials and tribulations.  

I've had an eye twitch for so long, I've lost count.  Three months?  Four?  Wait, no....it's been 5 solid months my left eye has twitched incessantly.  I've started seeing a therapist and it's very helpful.  I don't care what kind of support system you have, it's important to see a pro.  Someone who can measure and assess your mental state.  Who can give you tools to work through it and to come out on the other side better for it.  The first session gave me 6.5 pages of take away "A HA" moments I wouldn't have gotten without therapy.  Then 9 pages of why I made the right decision.  Followed by a flashback of our wedding night (our 9 year wedding anniversary was last week) and the gut feeling I had then.  Gosh.  I hadn't thought of that since...well...since that night!  I recalled staring at the ceiling wondering if this guy really doesn't care about my feelings.  I remember the dread in my heart, thinking oh no, what did I get myself into.  It's a moment I'd suppressed and forgotten.   I'll spare you the story of what happened, but I went to bed very sad and concerned for the future.  I guess I chose to pretend it didn't happen the next morning. 

ANYWAY, what I learned so far in therapy is I am not depressed (THANK GOD AND ALL THE SPIRITUAL HELP I MAY BE RECEIVING!).  I am a happy person who is currently blue.  Not even measurable on the depression meter, only visible on the scale of sadness (whatever that means, I don't care!  I LIKE it!).  I was so relieved because I spent a considerable amount of time while in my marriage feeling sad and lonely.  I certainly don't want that to become how I feel every day now that I've made the incredibly difficult decision to go out and get the life I've always wanted.  The one I deserve.  Shoot...we ALL deserve the life we want.  Each of us has a right to pursue happiness and so we should.  I've been listening to Killing England on CD and it's a great refresher on how America fought for our independence and what we went through.  It outlines the Declaration of Independence and hearing it read out loud through speakers really resonated with me...we are all created equal and have a right to pursue happiness. 

On a side note, can we talk about Thomas Jefferson?  No idea he wrote the declaration.  Or that George Washington willingly took on his role in creating America despite the brutal way in which he would suffer before finally being killed should he loose?  Including hanging to near death, dragged by horses, being sliced open and his intestines would be pulled out of his belly and splayed out so that his final moments were as painful as possible.    That even his family would be stripped of their possessions, their land, their dignity, forever banished?  Harsh!  George was also charismatic, charming and people enjoyed his company.  Who knew Ben Franklin was incredibly fit despite his round physique and was quite the ladies man?!  Even in his mid 70's, brotha be pullin all kinds of 20 something p*ssy.  Or that John Hancock was a cocky, flamboyantly dressed narcissist?  There's so much more covered in those 16 discs.  Unbelievable, really.  

The other thing I learned is I measured extremely high for anxiety.  Like 2 points away from the mental breakdown marker.  This makes sense to me.  I can understand my feelings percolating under the surface now.  This is why four words into a customer's sentence I'm thinking "yeah, I don't care about this shiz" and I tune out. Literally, I check out.  I move on about whatever else is on my to do list or get up and walk into the ladies room in the middle of them talking, instead of using my customer service skills from over 25 yrs experience.  No patience for you folks these days!  I can't even dig deep and fake it til I make it.  It's a weird disconnect inside me.  I used to be empathetic an now I'm "buh bye". I'd like to take a moment here to thank my coworkers for fielding and screening customers so I can minimize my interactions with unhappy campers. My therapist helped me understand why I'm anxious and how to start stepping out of it.  Now I can process, harness and tame these feelings.  Oh there's still work to do to get back to being myself, but you know what?  I will get there.  Pain is temporary.  In the meantime, I will eliminate anything that brings me unnecessary anxiety.  I won't bother to explain myself either.  If I don't want to do it, I won't.  If it doesn't bring me joy, it's a big no for me.