If you're reading this, you likely know my marriage has fallen apart.  It's impossible to go through this experience without dents and bruises on your self esteem.  Can you indulge me a moment and let me share a few moments/comments that spackled some of the holes in my perception of myself?
 

• ​I told one of my closest friends how long it'd been since I'd been intimate with my husband (or anyone!  I never stepped out on him).  She looked so confused and said "but TAFFY, you're PRETTY!  What a waste of a pretty girl!!".  Then tears spilled out of her eyes.  Right there at the restaurant.  
• ​At the Walker Stalker Convention, one of the actors we met said "wow...you sparkle".  More than once!
• ​I was at a local bar waiting on a friend.  After a brief interaction with the bartender about my order, a fella 3 sets down said I was a kind, warm hearted person.  He never even looked up at me, said he could just tell I was a good person by my energy.
• ​I went to a Christmas party and a friend's friend told me I had a great head of hair.  Later at the same party, they said "you're the reason girls are getting faux hair these days...to look like that!". 

​Please note the first and last compliments came from people who know what I'm going through and are quite possibly said with the sole purpose of kindness.  However, the middle two?  From COMPLETE strangers.  :) 

​I was organizing my paperwork for the divorce and didn't want to label the folder "divorce".  I decided to label it "north" since that's where I'm going.  Up from here!  

Funny how most people aren’t surprised to hear I’m getting a divorce. It makes me think in my next relationship, I should check in with the people in our lives as a way to measure how happy we are in our relationship, you know? Sometimes the people looking in from the outside see it most clearly.

Truth is I knew I wasn’t happy. I don’t really need other people to measure how I’m feeling. What happens when you’re the one in it, you convince yourself it will get better, you keep working on it, you try new ways to keep it going, you read up on what makes a marriage stay strong and try to incorporate the things you pick up here and there. In the meantime, life keeps you distracted just enough for you to say well, I can’t with that right now. Or you get some good times in the mix that make you think maybe we can pull through this. The love ebbs and flows and you don’t want to make a rash decision because your marriage is in a slump. For better or worse, and all.

Yet, it’s still not a surprise to my friends and family and I can’t help but think wow. Wow. Puzzle pieces start to slide into place. The people who would naturally have an opinion because they love me, him or both of us continue to offer little golden nuggets that cement my decision as the right one. Don’t misunderstand me. Other people’s opinions don’t shape my life. What I mean is it’s abundantly clear the people close to us observed and caught on to a lot more than I could have realized. When a friend says to you they’ve known you’ve been unhappy for years. When your Mom tells says you are the long suffering wife. When HIS friend asks you if you’re safe and are you at the Spring (a local shelter for abused women that helps them rebuild their lives). All those are ding ding ding moments. And it confirms I really did try everything I could to save it. Because looking back, I should have left in 2011. Or in 2013. Several times. There’s a shame that comes with any kind of abuse. Verbal, mental, emotional or physical. An inherent shame that runs deep and twists your mind up good. There’s a humiliation you feel for where you’re at in life and how you allowed it. If you’re wondering how a strong minded, free spirit, confident woman would tolerate abuse of any kind, look up “gaslighting”. It explains a lot of my life & how I got here. As Oprah says it starts off as whispers. Moments of “gee, that was odd”. It slowly progresses until they aren’t whispers anymore. It’s not constant, either. A narcissist who’s gaslighting sprinkles in enough love and positive reinforcement to keep you feeling off balance. You question your own perception, your own experiences, your own memory, your own reality.

​What's interesting is it's not always big ticket issues they manipulate. They manipulate little moments which is ultimately why they’re so successful at seeping into your mind and making you think you’re lucky to have them looking out for you. It gets to where you’re scared to trust your own recollection.

I wanted to try counseling, I wanted to try anything I could before admitting I can’t retire or grow old with him. That the thought of sitting around our golden years with this guy and remove the distractions of life...work, family, friends, the daily grind...take those things away and I’m left sitting across from a guy I don’t even like. The truth was growing louder by the day...I don’t LIKE this guy. I don’t like his personality. No counseling can fix a narcissist. He might get an Rx that would stabilize mood swings, alleviate anxiety or help manage his temper, but there simply is no Rx to moderate narcissim. It will not get better and that’s what I accepted and ultimately had to act on. I had to act on the absence of hope. I won’t spend my life hopeless. I will pull up and out. I will head north.

I wish him a fine farewell. I wish him a good life. I release him with no hate. Just go. I won’t allow my mind or heart to stay twisted up because of someone else’s twisted mind. I won’t allow someone else’s hate to set the tone for how I feel about myself. Peace be with us both.

I like a good flow in a home and for things to "make sense".  If you are a guest in my home, you can pretty much find your way around without google maps.  Glasses are by the fridge, coffee cups are by the coffee machine, trivets and cookware are by the stove, clean towels are next to the shower, etc.  I need that fluid motion throughout the house.  Things need to make sense.   I like organization.  In the garage, you'll find things in containers, visible and labels.  Need a light bulb?  Trust me, you'll locate one without my help.  It's in the filing cabinet with a clear "LIGHT BULBS" label on that drawer.  

​I'm not judging people who throw things in any cupboard they can find.  I get it.  For them, I think it's simply about putting things outta sight, outta mind.  Less about fluidity and more about checking "tidy up" off their list.  Even still, when I go to other people's homes and things aren't in an obvious space, I wonder if they realize they're jamming up the natural rhythm of the room.  That they could save a lot of unnecessary effort if things were...well, effortless.  And yes, I do believe in feng shui.  

​I am currently living in a very comfortable home on the good graces of some fine folks who took me in as I work through my imminent divorce.  It's clear they are not concerned with fluidity and function.  I wonder if I should rearrange their home as a gift from me to them?  I'm teasing!  I'm not THAT rude.  I think it's more likely they are perfectly happy with the coffee cups being in the den, two rooms away from the coffee maker.  I mean sure, the display fits there and some artist took a lot of time to make that coffee cup stand more of an art piece to be seen and discussed.  It is beautiful.  Maybe I'll just move the coffee maker into the den?  Nah, I think better I just pay for housekeeping then to start meddling in how they keep their home.

For now, I shall adapt to the choppy flow of the homes function.  After all, it's beautiful, clean and I am very blessed to be taken in.  I mean, what's it to me?  l can go to the garage tool bench to get clean towels until I find my permanent home.  It makes sense considering the bathroom linen closet is being used for holiday decorations and tools.  

One thing I know, it sure does make me excited to organize my own home when that time comes.  Look out, label maker, you's about to get some miles put on your printing spindle when I pull you out of temporary storage!  

I am not blessed with the ability to multi task.  I have Sensory Processing Disorder.  No biggie and certainly if it's the worst thing I deal with, I'm doing pretty darn good.  Yet, I do need my space and quiet time when I'm working on anything complex.  Let me be honest, too...I need my solo time.  I need to unplug from other people and be with my thoughts from time to time.  I get sensory stimulation over load.  I can't listen to how someone's weekend went if I have a time sensitive task at hand.  For example, I'm the opener at work.  I come in early to run updates on the computer, sip my coffee, check inventory, address any inventory needs so it's attractive to buyers, answer business email inquiries, etc.  It's MY time to get my rhythm and tone set for the day.  Ever try writing a memo when someone is talking to you?  You end up writing what they are saying.  I know that happens to all of us, right?  If I don't have an active customer in front of me, people assume I'm available.  The thing is VISIBILITY does not mean AVAILABILITY.  People get the two confused. 

Because it's a small office, it can also make me vulnerable.  Meaning it's easy to make me a hostage.  My office is tucked in the back with no escape routes.  I can't tell you how many people block the door way of my office like "Mhhhhuh uh uh uhhhhhh!  You're my captive audience now!".  Even if I grab keys and hit the showroom floor (makes it sound fancy...it's not, but it's clean and tidy) to take care of inventory, people will follow me from car to car oblivious to my body language!  One of the WORST offenders is my very own coworker.  He seems to think I was hired to sit around and listen to every little thought that pops into his head while giving him my undivided attention.  I spend approximately half my day (a conservative guesstimate) trying to flick all these sticky boogers off my finger.  That's right.  I called them STICKY BOOGERS!  Don't judge.  Every single one of us knows what a sticky booger is like.  The one you swear went in the tissue but somehow ended up on your hand or face.  The one that won't go away peacefully!  The one that won't disappear gracefully!

My coworker, our tow driver, a prior employee, the mail man, our prior mail man (yep, he still comes by, too!), our air conditioning repair guy, the insurance agents, even customers!  I don't mind carving out a minute to connect with people.  I want people feel valued because they are and I do appreciate them.  BUT, when it's time to wrap it up and move things along, it's time to wrap it up and move things along.  Amirite?!  I'm not shy either.  I let people know, kindly, with my words and my body language.  What's a girl gotta do to keep boogers at bay without being out right rude?!  Then again, I guess if they are bold enough to show they don't respect my time, I can be bold enough to be rude.  Miss Rudy McRuderton.  Hmmm.  Nice ring to it.    

Sorry for ghosting y’all. I’m still here. I hope you are, too. I needed to pull away from everything to figure out what the f*ck to do. I left my husband. It’s been an incredibly hard time. I did the hardest part; I left. However, I realize there’s a lot more hard parts to come. The act of leaving was painful and a decision I didn’t take lightly. As you can imagine, this wasn’t a split decision made in the heat of a moment. I’m not that girl. This has been building for a very long time. Looking back, I can tell you 2011 -2013 was when the tethers that bound us started to pop loose. I hung in there hoping for things to get better. And they did. Intermittently, that is. Enough good moments peppered in to make me hope for the best. Enough to make me fight for us. Over the last two years, I’ve felt the cancer in our relationship grow bigger and stronger. The doubts seep deeper into my soul. The fears of retiring with him grew. The thought one day we would have MORE time together & LESS distractions became scary. The thought that he would be the one to take care of me when I was sick became unsettling. He acts begrudging anytime I have a simple sinus headache, how will he act when it’s something more serious? Every conversation is an arm wrestle. He has to disagree with anything I say, no matter how trivial. If I told you how long it’d been since we’d been intimate, you would wonder what we were doing hanging on for so long. It’s because I wasn’t sure what was the symptom and what was the cause. I was trying to peel back the layers and get to the bottom of it all. That’s hard to do when his only communication skills are intimidation tactics. When you can’t be vulnerable with someone because they bully you, the communication starts to die. When you can’t communicate, what’s the point? I grew increasingly more fatigued with the fight for us until I had no more fight left.

Since leaving almost 2 months ago, I have not missed him. I don’t miss the constant negativity, seemingly unending irritation and anger. It’s so nice to not be woken every morning with a cursing tirade over something that’s not worthy of being rattled over. It’s refreshing to not share space with someone who’s on the verge of loosing composure at any given moment over any given reason, valid or irrational. I don’t hate him. I don’t think he’s a monster like he says I do. What I believe is he is ill. He needs medication to balance his moods. I suspect he is depressed and quite possibly has a manic form of depression. It’s the only thing that seems to explain how his anger can burn for days, weeks, months or even years (2011-2013 was horrible for us). He, however, doesn’t think anything is wrong with him. In fact, he’s absolutely certain I’m our only issue. If I’d stop acting up, we’d be wonderful. It’s demented and I’m tired of the emotional and verbal abuse.

I’m no angel, let’s get that on record please. I am very aware I have faults. I’m willing to look at myself honestly and assess where I need to improve. I’m open to hearing how I affect other people. I’m willing to take responsibility for my actions and take strides to be better. Unfortunately, he was not so willing.

I’m going North. It’s up from here. I mean, not straight up. Certainly, there will be ups and downs. I say it’s up from here because I can’t even cry over us anymore. I’m burnt. I can cry over ASPCA commercials, Publix holiday commercials, heart warming stories, beautiful or touching moments. I can not cry over my marriage. I’m numb.

I’m scared to go it alone. I am. But here I go again on my own. Just like Whitesnake did in the 80’s.