It's been a while since I shared time with a guy.  I spent a few months with a guy who lived 2 hrs away and on some levels he was something special.  There were some red flags, however, so there was to be an expiration date on our time together.  I thought well, hey.  Maybe I spend some more time solo to heal and then dip a toe in the water of the dating world when I feel up to it.  I've cocooned, therapized, fed my soul and well....guys...I'm up to it!  

I'm older now, so the pool of available options isn't as large as it was when I was 20.  Or even 30.  I know the on line dating world because many of my friends have used it.  I think no, not for me.  I'm not ready for my photo to be out there with a banner across it that says "AVAILABLE".  I'd like something more...discreet?  I meet with a professional matchmaker and left that appt so fast, my shoes left tread marks.  It all sounded amazing, private and right up my ally.  Until the matchmaker made a comment "these guys spend a lot of money for this service, so it's important you come into this looking for love".  Look, I understand you want what you pay for, but I am looking to date, not for love.  Now I'm really unsettled and suggest we not waste anymore of each others time...how much is this service?  I nearly fainted.  $6000 for 10 dates, WITH the expectation you find your soul mate.  I got the distinct impression they would be displeased if I did not lock it down with one of the dates as my forever guy.  Uh.  Gross.  Way to make a girl feel cheap.  Expensively cheap!  

So...maybe I look at on line dating again?  I answer the questions, set up my profile.  I get it.  I do.  I understand the allure of it in today's busy culture.  I go live with my profile and I feel so uneasy.  Why does the on line dating format look so much like finding a rescue pet?  THE LAY OUT IS EXACTLY LIKE PETFINDER.COM.  I think, well...I DID find my best friend through petfinder.com, so let's remain open minded!  Still, I feel uncomfortable.  I decide I'll give it 24 hrs.  It's been 4 hrs since I went "live".  I can't sleep.  Something tells me no.  One thing I've learned through this gut wrenching divorce is do NOT ignore your instincts!  I pop out of bed, grab the iPad and delete the on line dating account and profile.  I feel immediately at ease.  

I'm leaving it up to the universe for now.  I'd like to meet someone in an organic way.  Old school.  You're attracted to someone, you like the convo, you feel the chemistry and want to learn more about this person.  It's a big gamble.  People don't necessarily know you're available without a banner across a profile pic and are less inclined to put themselves out there.  I admit there's a practical use for on line dating.  If the universe doesn't set me up then, maybe I'll revisit it.   I would have to get comfy with the idea of becoming nothing more than a vending machine option or a rescue pet.  Hmmm....do I want kettle chips or Cheetos?  Do I want the scruffy mutt or the terrified cat?  The weird thing is dating is so personal.  Yet, you certainly couldn't take anything personally.  Maybe they want M&M's and I'm wearing a Snickers wrapper.  Meh.   

I've been working through the trauma that is being married to a Narcissistic Sociopath with Anti Social Personality Disorder (I'm not a Dr, but my therapist is so I feel it's ok to put that out there).  While we've been separated for months and are pending divorce, there's still damage to sort through.  With knowledge comes awareness.  With awareness comes sadness.  It's been one long emotional hang over. 

I'm only uncovering now how damaging it was to stay as long as I did.  To overlook or excuse bad behavior.  I'm also learning how strong I was to get out.  So many don't.  I thank my family for providing me a solid sense of myself.  While I was rattled, manipulated and mind fucked, there were moments when his mask slipped and I saw what he was doing.  Not that I knew he was a Narcissist, but I at least knew the things he chastised me for didn't fit everything I knew about myself.  And if I was what he claimed I was, how was it this was the first time ever I'd heard these things?  He is a monster with an agenda.  His agenda is to break you down to feed his own delusions of grandeur.  He only feels good if he makes you feel bad.  He had no emotional attachment to me other than a purpose he saw me to serve; to feed his insatiable ego.  

He chose me because I am an empath.  A Narcissist needs an empath or someone with low self esteem.  I've come to learn a Narcissist + Empath = the most toxic relationship of all.  What he didn't take into consideration is my family ingrained my truth and my upbringing was solid.  They were always honest about my strengths & weaknesses.  They also taught me how to leverage my strengths to offset areas I wasn't as strong.  What I mean by that is best told by an example.  Ever see people on talent shows thinking they can sing only to get on stage and make fools of themselves?  They're in utter disbelief they aren't winning said talent shows, cause their momma told them they had the voice of an angel?  Yeah, that wouldn't happen in my family.  They were clear...I can't carry a tune, but I could learn to play a musical instrument!  They were legit and still are to this day.    

I always thought I was secure and strong, so when he would take a swing at my confidence I could feel my heart roll it's eyes.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, blustering angry (always, that guy was angry with the whole world) lion with a thorn in your paw, I'll let you keep that anger while I move on living my life (there was a time I tried to remove the thorn, but decided to stop when I realized that thorn was seemingly permanent and a part of his body.  I didn't know then what I know now.  That is was toxic and damaging to me no matter how sure of myself I was/am).  So, I decided the behavior was a reflection of his insecurity and actually pitied him.  I felt frustration for his family, for his Dad and how he parented.   Maybe that's why Tim's so messed up?   

By the way, the second I pity a partner, I've noticed that's the second I am no longer attracted to them sexually.  Taken me 47 years to figure that out.  I can empathize or sympathize, but if I pity, my sex drive for them is officially dead.  I note that to myself.  Pity = the death of intimacy.  There's a lot I've learned about myself and people, but that one is certainly a big deal! 

I'm coming out of the fog of abuse. I still have bad days.  Last week was really rough, but my what a difference a week makes.  I feel vibrant today.  I feel hope.  I feel appreciation for my life and whatever comes next...I'm ready for it.