Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. I experienced denial while still in the marriage. Bargaining? While I was still in it. Depression? Both in and out of it. I've finally done it. I've hit anger. For me, what sucks about anger is when it's intense, it makes me cry. I can't stop crying I'm so pissed. What I need now is to push through it quickly and get to indifference. Please oh please lawd send me the tools to work through it. Can I get a Disney Fast Pass for this ride? I don't like this feeling.
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I am still doggie paddling through my schedule. I keep saying I need to hit pause, regroup and recharge. Evidently, life has other plans and does not care about my agenda. I was feeling the percolation of anxiety bubbling up as I look at my calendar. There's no sign of a break. Before I allow myself to feel any more anxious (ie grind anymore teeth down before my bite plate arrives, feel myself become impatient, exhibit frenetic energy OR get one more stress pimple!) I consider this thought. If I die in my sleep tonight, I won’t think about the daily hustle or the schedule scramble. I’ll be glad I made time for the people and things that make my heart smile. That’s what I’ll be thinking about when I cross over. All the other stuff? Simply hoops. Just hoops to jump through. What will resonate in my soul is time spent with people I dig. I think any regrets would be not making time for people who are important to me. Not what task I didn't get to cross off my to-do list. I also consider in all this hustle, I'm not spending enough time with one my bestest friends. My dog. A point further cemented when she bounces over, crawls in my lap happy I'm FINALLY sitting down and instantly falls asleep. I don't dare move. We need this moment. I sip coffee, put my iPad away and soak up the next 15 minutes with her (I'd love to sit longer, but I have to get to work!). I breathe deeply and realize I've not done that in days, weeks even. Which means, by default, neither has she. Pets always mimic our emotions. I need to get on top of this anxiety for her as much as for me.
Before I pop up and get rolling, I decide I will NOT cancel my plans to attend a graduation party this evening. I will spend a moment with people I care about. I don't have to stay all night, I will say my good byes with enough time in the evening to take a nice long stroll with my four legged bestest friend and cuddle on the sofa. No iPad, no worries, no fret for what chore I should be knocking out, none of that. I will sit my happy arse on that couch in fuzzy socks, a furry baby in my lap and not guilt myself for not working on my to-do list. Holly & I headed out on a mini-overnight-road-trip in February. We went to Hollywood Florida to see Mary J Blige in concert. So many fun surprises. One...the road trip down alligator alley. There's absolutely nothing on that stretch. No distractions. It was really nice to get away from our computers and decompress. No meetings, no conference calls, no follow up work or research to do. No demands, no forced interactions that come with the work place, no chores, no pressures. Spotty cell reception? No matter to us! We good. Just us, our tunes and the open road. We found ourselves mesmerized by the birds in flight along the tree lines. It's something special to be so comfortable with someone you don't have to talk, you can zone out together, be content and just be.
The second surprise was driving to our cheap hotel only to find out it was a suite with a living room. The only thing cheap about this place was the price! They even gave us nice coasters to commemorate our stay. Mine now sits on my night stand and I smile every time I see it. The next surprise was our seats. Our seats were so close, it was phenomenal! Thanks goes to Holly for her quick snap of the keyboard strokes when tickets went on sale. We caught an Uber to the Hard Rock, ate at the cafe' pre show and caught a night cap in the casino post show. Made us mad at our local Hard Rock Hotel for not having a forum to host shows of this caliber. Our local Hard Rock keeps expanding with no sign of a stadium. How is that even possible?! I thought Hard Rock was all about the live music. Phfft! Anyway, thank you Hollywood Hard Rock for hosting a wonderful concert experience from start to finish. And a fine thanks for nuttin to our local Hard Rock Hotel...get yo' shiz together and add a live show venue, dammit! Do it for da people. Mary was on point, looked amazingly beautiful and her voice was rich with that cry that makes her voice so distinctive. That, folks, was NO surprise. To Mary, I say thank you for another wonderful show that filled my heart up so. The last day, we met fellow concert attendees at the breakfast buffet in our hotel lobby. We recognized them because of their sweet demeanor, gentle aura and the apparent love for one another. Holly initiated the conversation and next thing you know we were sharing intimate details of our lives. Holly & I agree we aspire to have a love like theirs. Even after all those years together, so loving, attentive, respectful and considerate of one another. As we say our good byes, Holly & I get in the elevator and wonder if what they have together is possible for anyone to achieve. How do you have that many years together and still have that much passion? Still touch each other so tenderly? Look at each other with so much obvious respect? Granted, I'm in the thick of a divorce and a bit galvanized from my experience. I want to believe in love and I do. Can you be together for multiple years and not harbor resentment? Is it possible to touch each other as compassionately as you did when you first met after trials and tribulations? Clearly, you can. This couple does! When you harbor resentment, it can creep in. Seep into the foundation of your bond. It's a relationship killer. What has me feeling optimistic about my next opportunity to share love is I don't harbor resentment. Once we address a concern, it's over in my mind. Dropped. Moved on. I'm perfectly content to leave it in the past. What I'm scared for is sustaining the level of attraction. How do you keep the twinkle in your eye and the tingly sensation? I know there's layers and every stage of a relationship can be rewarding. I know you can't stay in lust zone forever. I mean, gosh. I'd never get anything done! I'd want to stay in the house and be rabbits all day/all night. Certainly, though, I want to stay excited for intimacy. For my partner to always be attracted and want me. Intimacy is how you stay connected. How your souls stay anchored to each together. I'm sure treating each other as tenderly as the beautiful couple we met at the breakfast buffet is key. I think foreplay includes how we talk to each another, how we treat each other, how we make the other one feel. Foreplay isn't limited to the act of touch. Being kind and considerate sets the tone before touch enters the picture. So, Holly & I return to the room and start gathering our items. Holly glances out the window and gushes "awwwwww, come look!". I walk over and this time we both say it "awwwww!". It's our new favorite couple in the hot tub and he was giving her a foot massage. It's time to check out and hit the road, but we can't move. We continue to watch as they bob in the water, bubbles rushing around them. They snuggle and float, always with a hand on the other, caressing. We know we should give them privacy, yet we can't turn away. We are completely charmed by them. The sweetness of it all is inspiring. I'm not sure how long we watched them. All I know is Holly and I smiled as we let out several warm, fuzzy sighs. I say a wish and hope the universe hears it. Every one should know what it feels to be loved, appreciated and worshiped by their partner. I wish it for us all. OK, time to head home and leave our couple to enjoy their privacy. Hmmmm....I wonder if I need Holly and Mary's permission to post these photos? The first shot is pre show excitement. The last shot is the post show dance glow (ie sweat). Everything in between is the QUEEN of hip hop soul looking like perfection. Mmmmaaaaa! XOXOXO |
AuthorI'm scared of meth & heroine users. They are the real zombie apocalypse. Archives
July 2019
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