By now, we're all up to speed on the #metoo movement. It's not fair a man can ruin the career of a woman who refuses their advancements.  Now we know why the beautiful and talented Mira Sorvino fell off the scene.  She said NO to a pig in power.  Simultaneously the equal pay for women movement is kicking into full swing.  Thank goodness! We have to pay the same amount for utilities as a dude does....the same price for housing, same price for a vehicle, etc.  Same bills, it's only right we get same pay.  Actually, considering what women spend to take care of ourselves, we should get MORE money than the fellas.  Ever try to get out of Sephora spending less than $50?!  Don't get me started on sanitary napkins.  That's money we HAVE to spend every month and it's going right into the trash and then a landfill.  Yeah, sorry.  I know.  Ugly visual, but let's be honest.  Ice cream sales, chocolate sales, wine sales...all of it goes up thanks to us and our monthly cycle.  This is also the part where I remind everyone how unfair it is women fall in love through our ears (talk sweet to us, make us laugh....we're hooked.  Pot belly?  We didn't even notice it!) and men fall in love through their eyes (if they don't like what they see, all bets are off, doesn't matter how witty we are).  You'd think the greater powers that be would have said for this reason, women shall all age gracefully and most will look better with gray hair!  And women will have metabolisms that keep their figures in check!  But noooo, they give men the better metabolism and the distinguished aging process.  THEN society gives men better incomes for the same jobs.  UGH.  So, yeah, I get it.  I understand this wave of women's rights.  I do. 

But.  Can I tell you something?  I hope the lines don't get so confusing that no one knows what's inappropriate and what's normal between a boyfriend and girlfriend.  If we're dating, you can flash me your penis anytime you like.  I hope you do!  I won't be offended if we're in a relationship and you ask for a blow job.  The girls claiming #metoo because they're BOYFRIEND was acting like a dirty minded boyfriend who thought they shared a mutual love of perversion can step off.  I WISH my soon to be ex had known how to be dirty, flirty and inappropriate.  To make me giggle like a school girl.  If we're talking at a party and you decide to make a pass at me because the vibe feels right, I hope you would!  Even if you read me wrong, it's ok.  How would you know if you didn't try?  What I hope doesn't happen is there is an under current backlash of men out there who are terrified to flirt.  Scared to make a pass.  Unsure if they can verbalize they like what they see.  Unable to trust they're reading a situation and a vibe right so they never go in for the kiss.  At my first real job, there was a guy at the top of the totem pole.  It was widely known he was flirtatious.  If he DIDN'T flirt with one of the girls, they wondered what was wrong with them.  Sometimes, we'd have to console the girl who didn't get flirted with.  "Of COURSE you're pretty! He must be having a bad day.  It's him, not YOU!  Maybe wear a deeper V neck tomorrow".  ;)    

I'm out in the world again as a single and I'm looking forward to that moment where the chemistry is there.  When a guy grabs you as only a guy can and you know they're gonna kiss you.  And you want to kiss them back.  When the electricity between you makes your eyes feel like they're swirling and your head is spinning. 

I guess what I'm saying to the #metoo movement is please don't cock block me.  I need this. I want to be outrageously flirted with! I can take care of myself.  I can shut down an unwanted advance.  I want mutually respectful, dirty inappropriateness in my life.  Please and thank you. 

I love words.  Nothing is more empowering than being able to express yourself in the manner for which you intend.  Being misunderstood can be incredibly frustrating.  I'd rather not say a thing if I think the words I choose will misrepresent me.  So, when I learn a new word, I like to use it, share it and lock it into memory.  Today's word, or more appropriately, the word that defines the start of 2018 for me, is "Metanoia". Meta-Noy-ya. Noun: a transformative change of heart; especially : a spiritual conversion.  A change of one's mind, heart, self or way of life.      

This morning I decide to surf for health care and ONE free quote.  Most obnoxious mistake I've ever made.  My phone is being bombed with incessant phone calls, texts and emails.  I can not believe the volume of sales people scrambling to secure my business.  Oy vey!  I'm not even saying "hello".  I start right off with "BIG mistake. HUGE!" (imagine Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, because that's my exact tone).  I realize these people are simply trying to make a living so no need to be hateful.  Besides.  I should have known better than to enter my info on the world wide web for a quote.  I spent most of my morning fielding incoming sales people and politely asking them to remove me from ALL their contact lists.  And their memories, a la Men in Black mind eraser.  Or a Jedi trick, whatever works.  I concluded each conversation with a line from Eric Stoltz in Pulp Fiction..."I don't know you.  Who is this?  I'm hanging up the phone.  PRANK CALLER, PRANK CALLER"....aaaaannnnnnd "click" goes my receiver.    

It's a heart ripping out of my chest kind of process to start life all over alone after almost 13 years with someone I didn't stop loving.  To be strong enough to say uh, uh, no more, this behavior is not acceptable when I still care for him has been some kind of journey I'm not sure I can explain.  The cramps squeezing my chest are intense and breathing exercises are an essential daily practice to the north bound movement.  The waves of nausea buckle me over at times and it's virtually impossible to stand up straight for fear I'll vomit right on the spot.  Yet, I know my decision is the right one. 

There are moments I miss his hugs or the hair on his chest in all the right places.  His soft flawless skin.  Or how I even like how his "stank" smells.  What overrides that question in my mind of "am I doing the right thing?" is the fact that I can't picture his face without seeing the tick in his temple and jaw that indicate he's about to unleash a furious barrage of unprovoked insults.  The look that went from every blue moon to every day.  Or the image of his intimidating lunging leer over me with his condescending scowl telling me all the ways I don't measure up and it's lucky I have him.  Lord knows how I managed to live my life up til meeting him, right?!  Phfft.  I keep thinking I'm not damaged, I'm OK.  I'm strong.  And I am strong.  But truth is there's residual damage and it will take a while to reset my mind and untangle my feelings.

I drove by Portillo's and the memory of an entire Sunday AND Monday ruined because he was so angry I ordered myself more food than he felt I could eat crept in.  I sit a little taller behind the wheel.  I wave as I drive by.  Hello, Portillo's, my friend.  I shall order that "Big Beef" combo meal  any time I want now.  I'm watching TV when a commercial comes on and don't loose my TV privileges because I failed to flip the station to a channel with a program in progress (and really?  Sometimes commercials are the best. For one, a rest room break without missing a beat.  An unexpected giggle from State Farm's "Mayhem".  Sarah McLauchlan reminding me it's time to place my ASPCA donation).  I'm discussing Gasparilla plans with friends today and it hits me...I am free to make plans.  To "lock it in"!  I'm free to enjoy the planning process and the excitement it generates.  No more controlling, domineering presence to keep me wondering if we'll be participating this year til the morning of.  Nope.  This year, I ALREADY know I'm going.  I ALREADY signed the food list with what I'll be bringing to share.  I'm a happy drinker.  I say if you're not gonna be happy when you drink, don't do it.  What would the point be? But it's not the drinking that bothers him, even though that's what you can expect from a beautiful day at the biggest party in all of Tampa.  It's about him disliking the social side of it.  It's about him wanting to isolate us from everyone else.  Not this time, ladies and gents.  This girl is getting her "arrrrrggggh" on with no one to yank me up by my arm like a misbehaving toddler because a pirate offered me a rose.   People watching?  Drinks and laughs with friends?  Good food? New memories? Rose from a pirate?  Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes, please.  

So, that's what I gotta do.  Appreciate the little things that make my world a little bit bigger these days.  Focus on the things I've missed so much.  Like peace of mind to enjoy life; to love life with no apologies.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  I've got this.    

Let's play ours out loud!  Here's to 2018, e'rbody.

Music is therapy.  It's a mood.  It's a memory.  It sets the tone.  It can help me understand my feelings; It can help me express my feelings.  It can rev me up or help me purge sadness.  It can push me to work out better, stronger, faster, harder (get it?  Wink wink.  Kanye lyric!).  It can help me find my zen.  I don't know what I'd do without it.

One of my favorites is Mary J Blige.  The lyrics she writes are almost like a kaleidoscope.  Depending on what's going on in my life, I zero in on words I didn't hear before or the song takes on a whole new meaning.  It's not like that for every song or artist.  A lot of music I take at face value.  Gretchen Wilson is another one I love.  But there's only one way to interpret Redneck Woman, amirite?  Just Fine by MJB is one of my favorites and this morning I was in awe of how much I really do love it.  How much the words resonate for me and in a much different way than I interpreted it before.  Absolutely amazing.  Mary.  I.  Love.  You.  I love how the tone of her voice has a "cry" to it.  It's as if she's desperate for you to feel her words.  The reverb is strong and it hits me right in the soul every time. 

​I felt anxiety over the weekend that my husband hasn't turned in his affidavit for the amicable divorce.  He keeps saying it takes a year to divorce.  We have no kids, no debt and we are in agreement we go the amicable route, clean and fast.  I am calling poppycock on a year long process. Anyway, I was feeling antsy and irritable he's dragging his feet.  I hope he turns in his affidavit in the coming week.  I turned mine in 3 weeks ago!  So with anxiety comes a lot of agitation towards him.  I know he's taking his time because he lost "control" over me and this is his way of asserting some control.  Listening to Just Fine on repeat this morning helped me center myself and focus on my love of life and what this new chapter will bring.  Let the agitation go because what will be will be.  Besides, he can't dodge the long arm of the law forever.  No need for me to feel anxious or angry.  Mary reminded me this morning it's about having my head on straight and my vibe on right. 
"Ain't worried bout you and whatcha gon' do, Ima lady and must stay classy".   

My love of music doesn't stop there and there's so many other artists out there I can't get enough of.  I certainly can't mention them all in one post, but I will mention one more here. Gwen Stefani is another artist that hits my heart.  Even before what I'm going through now, but even more so now.  Like she says on her Truth album and what I feel in my heart about 2018...
"and now I'm me without you and things about to get real good!"