I could live my whole life never seeing prime rib again and be perfectly content.  Why do they keep making that stuff?  WHO is eating that gelatinous looking meat?!  It makes my tummy flip over just looking at the bloody jello.  Now that the holidays are winding down, I hope I'll be seeing less and less prime rib on the menu!  

I think we’ve all experienced it...someone you thought was already on your “friend” list suddenly sends you a new “friend” invitation. I’m not talking about FB hacks with forged pages, or the people who had to take a page down for personal reasons and then have to start a new one. I’m talking passive aggressive behavior. I’m talking using that keyboard like a sword to sever the connection. I may not like something another “friend” posts. Big deal. If you hurt my feelings in real life or I hurt yours, we work it out and move on. I don’t start cancelling friends and family over momentary friction.

Conflict is a fact of life and so is conflict resolution. I expect my friends and family to display emotional intelligence in the face of a post they don’t like (as will I) as well as display emotional intelligence if I’ve unknowingly OR knowingly offended them in real life (as will I). If they remove me from their FB friend list and try to add me later when their temper tantrum is over and I’m in the dark on why I got removed in the first place, it says to me they don’t have coping skills in addition to the realization maybe we weren’t as close as I thought we were. I’m not going to waste time wondering what I did, I will just get back to living my life and let them be.

I love my Uncle, but he is a huge offender of removing and adding. He has VERY strong views and a fragile ego. Not to be confused with low self esteem...he’s got plenty of self esteem. He doesn’t have coping skills. But if you do something he doesn’t like, you’re out. Done. No warning, no discussion, he ices you out. When enough time passes that he’s over it, he’ll send a FB invite to put you back on his page. I will comment on it when the new invites come “hey, we should ALREADY be friends, what gives?”. He will offer a lame reason that doesn’t make sense leaving huge gaps in credibility. I’ve played his passive aggressive virtual game by accepting each new invite. I just got a new invite again this morning. WTF with this petty shiz? BTW, I don’t post about politics, religion, I don’t curse, I keep everything rated PG. I have a lot of biz contacts on my FB page, so I keep it professional with family vacation pics and random fun. I can not imagine in my wild dreams why he’s removed me from his list again, but I understand he does this to all of us. I will always be his family and when we see each other, I have nothing but warm feelings towards him. I simply think we have no business being FB friends and we’ll leave it there unless he can articulate what’s going on.

I expect accountable behavior on FB the same way I do in real life.

Why oh why with the tags sewn into pillows?! I don’t like tags. I have goo gone on hand to help scrape gluey gooey tags off products I buy. I appreciate easily removable tags (Thank you Home Goods) and I will avoid purchases from stores who don’t pay the little extra for easily removable sticker price tags. I don’t even like skin tags. They’re unsightly and if I feel one coming on, you betcha I’m getting it removed! I am darn near 50 years old and throughout my life, I think I’ve successfully pulled tags off pillows only twice. On those two occasions, I went straight out and got a lottery ticket. I was not a lottery winner either time, but I did win the odds on tag removal so still a win. A cause for celebration. Nearly EVERY time I rip those hideous long white tags off a beautiful decorative pillow, it rips the seam right out, I can sew, it was one of my first Girl Scout patches I ever earned. But, I shouldn’t have to, that’s my stance. SO! Who do I need to write a letter to for pillow companies to take a cue from Hanes tee shirts and make EASILY removable tear off tags instead of permanently sewing the dang thing into the pillow seam?!

I’d like to say yes. I have friends of all kinds of belief systems and it’s never been an issue. Never. No kerfuffles, no heated discussions, just love and light. Respect for differing views, respect for each other.   Besides, I think it’s important we all be cut from different cloths. If we were all the same, I think it’d be a disaster in ways we can’t imagine. I like balance and considering different view points. That’s how I’ve always rolled. Shoot, I’m not even sure what political party all my friends and family belong to and I don’t necessarily care. Unless they’re an angry liberal turning every topic into a political fight despite social cues it's a casual convo.  Well, we can say liberal since I think the prerequisite for being a liberal is that you are angry. 

The problem with anger is it keeps you from a balanced perception & effective communication. When you are emotionally driven, you are not using left brain which is where the logical region fires. When dealing with a person who's emotional, you can ask them 3 fact based questions to pull them out of emotional right brain.  For example, What time did you wake up? What did you eat for breakfast? Who are you meeting for dinner tonight? It’s a way to “reset” the surge of emotions by pushing their brain to start firing off in the logical left brain so you can attempt to effectively communicate, possibly even resolve conflict. Trust me, sometimes you’ll have to try it more than once in order to pull them off a ledge. I’m not a psychologist, I learned this when I worked in escalated concerns for an Insurance Company. I had a talent for diffusing angry customers and my employer sent me through a lot of training to fine tune that talent. Because you won’t ever get to the point of working in partnership with someone towards a resolution if they are stuck in their emotions. Soon, I was in a special department that took nothing but angry calls all day long and I was quite good at it. One, because I genuinely care. Two, I treat people the way I’d want to be treated.  

One of my friends is not only extremely opinionated, she’s pushy, snarky, loves to tell you how you’re absolutely wrong if you don’t see it her way. The part that alienates me the most is her sense of entitlement, need to attack other belief systems and her desire to turn EVERY topic into a political debate.  It's as if in her mind we are gladiators in the arena fighting to the death when all I wanted was some giggles, casual convo and a cocktail.  She hasn’t always been this aggressive and I’ve made some great memories with her over the years. However, I’m struggling to enjoy her company these days. She thinks my divorce changed me and it has. I have less tolerance for shenanigans, ridiculousness and people who lack common respect or sensibilities.

Real Madagascar vanilla and a touch of honey. Candy corn is sunshine for your taste buds. I wish there was such a thing as candy corn coffee creamer. Before you cringe at the idea, remember...it’s vanilla and a touch of honey...perfect for coffee OR tea. I’m thrilled with all the new candies honoring candy corn...lollipops, candy bars, m&m....LOVE them ALL! So putting it out there into the universe now...bring on the candy corn coffee creamer next, please!

There’s really no rhyme or reason to my posts. Just as the intro page states...these are just my thoughts as I sip coffee by the keyboard. So it’s part on line diary, part observations, parts of my life. I realize it’s self indulgent to have a public blog and please know I am under no illusion people care about what I have to say. I don’t think my blog is gonna change the world, make a positive impact or even get noticed. Heck, I don’t even know if people will relate or connect with me, my experiences or my words. When the Weebly renewal notification came through my email I thought this is ridiculous and I should let this page expire. Then I noticed I get weekly visitors and I’ve never promoted this page. I told two friends know about my blog, but somehow the website is tracking 2 digit visitors a day and 3 digit visitors a month. Mind blown. Especially since I went long stretches of time where I was mute. My divorce annihilated me and some days keeping myself from bursting into tears was good enough, I didn’t have the energy to update the blog. I don’t know who’s popping in to skim through my thoughts and observations, but thank you. Thank you so very much. This blog is mental health for me. A place to dump randomness or sort out why I may be feeling some kinda way about some kinda topic. I thank you for validating my thoughts, popping in for whatever reason that may be and for giving me your time.

It's hard being single again after thinking I found my forever soul mate. This, my friends, was my apocalypse and it took out everything in it's path, gutted my soul. Getting back in the saddle is not easy. I don't love dating, but I do love life without a narcissist. So far, the pool of eligible bachelors is...interesting. I still hope for a healthy, loving relationship and I believe it's possible. It's just hard to think this is it...a sampling of what my life choices have brought me to. It's disturbing on a bad day and unsettling on a good day. I know it's not healthy to hermit, which is what I do a LOT of these days. So for a while there, I jumped right into on line dating to get myself out there. Here's some observations to dating at this stage in my life:

*A large chunk of our memories involve someone else and it will take a very long time for those to be replaced with new memories, if they'll be replaced at all.

*In connection with the above observation, it makes it hard to be in the moment with each other because every conversation seems to remind us we're exactly where we never wanted to be....starting over. Who wants to learn the nuances of someone else again? Ugh!

*A lot of dates feel more like interviews. After all, life is a stage and some of the guys I dated acted like they called in their ex wife's understudy to finish the show. Here's your script, doll, memorize those soccer parents names and who goes with each child, can't have you messing up the role of a lifetime!" with a wink and a nod. I swear, no joke. One guy quizzed me on what dog went with what family. I stared at him blankly and took a stab at it. He seemed genuinely annoyed I couldn't remember who "Roo" belonged to. Needless to say that was our last date.

*That in itself can trick us into waxing nostalgia with prior unhealthy partners. I fantasize about my narcissistic ex husband getting conditioned into operating at a higher vibration than school yard bully. Could he? The answer is NO, anyone working in the mental health field will tell you. Yet I still fantasize he gets counseling, evolves as a human being, steps up to own his part of our failure and day dream about what could have been. I see it in my dates, too. Their mind wanders to the "what if......". No matter what the relationship demise was, we all reflect and you can see it happening mid convo getting to know someone.

*It's a challenge not to be jaded. I work so hard at this because I've met so many bitter divorcees and it's not a good look. More than that, it prevents you from having hope. Keeping the faith. Even still, if my date conveys genuine interest, something inside says "yeah, that'll fade, give it time". That's pathetic, but it's honest. I constantly feel I'm seconds from the other shoe dropping which makes it hard to be excited about any guy. If they compliment me, my inner monologue is "calm down cowboy, we'll hate each other soon enough no matter how hot we start out" and I wonder if my facial expressions give those thoughts away. I know what you're thinking...I shouldn't be dating. I'll get back to this point later.

*Being intimate with someone new can be intimidating. It can still be hot (boy, can it be hot! Thank you, Adam!!!!), but it can be awkward because you're looking to meet a biological need. There's no love, it is bump and grind, then "can you get out in 20 minutes? The Walking Dead is coming on". Because you both know exactly what the score is. I know that'll be different one day, but right now it's meet my needs and GO!

*I wonder...why is it I forge lasting relationships with love and mutual respect with friends, family, business colleagues, but I couldn't with my ex husband? This thought haunts me because the only thing in the way was a SEVERE personality deficiency. Look, I'm not perfect. I recognize mistakes I made in the marriage. But narcissists are emotionally stunted and aren't capable of working through conflict to come out stronger TOGETHER on the other side. So this lil diddy is the carousel of my mind. I go round and round, but there's never any progress to be made with a narcissist. GET ME OFF THIS CAUROSEL please!

*Divorce is a brutal assault of your mind, heart, body and soul. It's the most incredibly personal rejection you can ever experience and constant mental anguish. I wish this devastation on absolutely no one. NO ONE. Any one you meet who's come out of a divorce is galvanized. Haunted. And quite possibly a shell of their old personality. Which is what I am. I don't get excited about things like I used to. I don't care about holidays (which used to be my fav). I don't laugh easily, I don't offer everyone I cross paths with a smile, I don't actively look for ways to brighten someone else's day anymore. I used to love life. I still do, but I guess I am no longer enamored of people in general. I now know not every one means you well, and it's leveled me in so many ways.

So, yeah. I decide to take down my on line profile, I'm simply not ready. If my disposition didn't tip me off, the hives I broke out with did. I still have hope. One day, I'll meet someone and all this resistance will melt away because I'll be excited about them, as they are excited about me. Til then, I'll just spend my time with my adorable dog, my fantastic family and my loyal friends. With every sunset comes a new sunrise. The rose colored glasses are off, but hope & faith still remain.
​

Everywhere I turn, there's someone else Monday morning quarterbacking my life.  From how I unload groceries to how to manage trauma.  I like to think it's because people care...or do they?  It feels sometimes more like they just wanna be right or come off like a life guru.  Hey, look at me and my jazz hands with spirit fingers...I gots this life stuff figured out so listen up e'rbody!  1) No body likes a show off and 2) usually the people with all the opinions don't have anything figured out.  I have yet to get forced upon advice from someone who's life I look at and think I'd like to take a cue from them.  Nope.  It's always the folks who really should stay in their lane.

There are the people who do genuinely care and I believe they honestly think it's helpful to give feedback on every little move I make.  They know I'm struggling with depression from 13 years living with a bully and a divorce that's dragging on unnecessarily except for the fact a narcissist finds joy  in other people's pain.  This is the obvious, outward, visible part of my life not going well.  What they fail to notice is all the things I'm doing right. My life has crumbled like a Nature Valley Oat bar and still I march on. 

I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't marinate in my problems or tug at heart strings for sympathy.  I don't go around running my mouth about my woes to anyone who'll listen.  I am dependable, responsible, accountable.  I do my job and I do it well.  I fulfill my promises, pay my bills, care about other people, I show up every day for life even when I want to hide under the covers and cry.

This is my 3rd post on the same issue...people who like to hear themselves talk.  People shoving unwanted advice down your throat.  People oversimplifying your journey.  People ramrodding every conversation with their opinions. 

Preachers, know it alls, self appointed life coaches and that guy on the corner of a busy intersection with a bullhorn, a soap box and a Jesus Lives posterboard...listen up.  Do not mistake the gift of gab with the art of conversation.  Flapping your jaws the fastest and loudest doesn't make you more credible nor does it ingratiate you to people or foster any kind of legitimacy or credibility for your spoken word.  

If someone cares about your 2 cents, we will seek YOU out, we will come looking for it.  Stop trying to come in the back door by kicking it off it's hinges.      

A lot of us have no idea how to listen.  There are times the best possible thing you can do is simply LISTEN.  Don't cut someone off with your experiences, tell them how you got it worse, try to one up them because you think it will make them feel better about their life or even feel like you need to offer advice.  Just zip it.  No one wants your advice UNLESS THEY SPECIFICALLY ASK YOU FOR IT.  

If someone says "ABC or XYZ happened to me...", before you cut them off with your version of a similar story, please think twice.  Maybe you can commiserate or identify, but hold that in your back pocket.  Use it as a tool to allow you to connect with the person sharing, but you don't have to take over the convo or turn it to yourself.  Especially when their experience is recent and yours is no longer a current event.  It's their time to speak.  Their experience is now.  Let them speak their mind, get it off their chest. 

When you cut them off you short circuit their download.  Please...can we all do better?  Don't short circuit someone's attempt to download in a safe place.  Because if they are sharing with you, they consider YOU a safe place.  That in itself is quite special...someone feels safe sharing with YOU. 

You don't have to fix the problem, find the perfect advice, overshadow their struggle because you have an example of a worse situation.  Just listen.  You'll be amazed at how effective and comforting it can be for someone else for you to be there.  Just BE there.  Don't think about what YOU want to say next.  Zip it. 

​Ears open, mouth shut.  Do better, be better.